Limits: Soft and Hard

Selina’s posting on limits the other day got me thinking about mine. As I commented on her posts my limits change depending on how safe feel with the person I am interacting with. Limits are a negotiation between you and the other person. While yes you can list out various limits and have set hard limits, in my experience even those are flexible.

I’ve been involved with D/s since my early 20s, and I am on the near side of 50 now, I’ve had online D/s relationships, meatspace D/s relationships, I’ve realized that limits, even hard ones, are not set in stone. They evolve, change, or fade depending on the one you are with, or with the passage of time and the knowledge of experience.

It boils down to trust, how much do I trust you? How much do you trust me? I’ve always said my ideal D/s relationship is one where each of us knows we are safe with the other, safe to bring any idea, no matter how light or dark, free from judgement, free from fear, knowing that other will listen with an open and accepting mind.

On the subject of trust: Years ago when I was on Second Life, I had a sub that I thought was the ‘one’, she was smart, funny, sassy. We clicked rather well, as we got to know each other we discovered our kinks matched up quite well. Yet in the end, she wasn’t honest with me and what she needed for her limits. I would take her to some dark places, do things which would turn her into a pile of girl goo, yet for hours afterwards she would go through cycles of self-loathing and doubt, and this was after extensive aftercare, which Sel can attest I do very well. After a few times where this happened I would stopped taking her to the dark places, yet she complained, claimed she needed my darkness, needed me to be that for her. Now remember this was on Second Life, an online environment where you can do just about anything in complete safety. You can explore just about anything you want too. In time we ended our relationship because I couldn’t trust her to safeword. Trust is key.

When Selina and I were together I found her a lot more responsible, while she’s never safe worded me, she did ‘yellow light’ during a scene letting me know she was uncomfortable with what was happening, but willing to continue because she felt something was there we needed to explore. As a Dom this feedback is so important, It establishes the trust, the bond, the respect needed to make something like this work well.

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Darkness

Sometimes it just seems pointless. At least that is what my depression is telling me. Stuck in a hole not seeing a way out, forcing myself to write in hopes of finding a light.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had this bad of a down cycle, as bad of a down cycle as post divorce was. I know it’s all chemical, I know it, but fuck me it’s bad. I keep waiting for the new meds to kick in but it’s not happening. I have to wait until Friday for a dr follow up. He wanted at least a week of me on the adjusted meds before he makes any more changes.

I can make it through work and get my stuff done, but they’ve noticed I am not nearly as engaged as I was prior to this down swing. I miss Jas, but.. fuck I don’t know.. I just can’t seem to function or think in any other but a minimal head space.

 

of Migraines and Mental Capacity

Yesterday was a bad day. Waking with what I call a seed headache I took some preventative meds hoped for the best and headed into work. Unfortunately by around noon time I knew it was going to be bad. The lights hurt and I knew if I waited any longer I’d not be able to drive myself home. By the time I reached home, sounds hurt, air moving over my skin hurt. I took my reboot pill and laid down in a dark quiet room. I didn’t know anything more until almost 7 that night, where I woke up to egg drop soup and fried rice. I was able to get the food down and drank more fluids then took another pill and went back to bed. I slept on through the night awaking this morning feeling somewhat better. 

The really frustrating thing for me about my migraines isn’t the pain, or discomfort, it’s the stupidity I suffer through afterwards. My reaction times are slower, my mental capacity is impaired. I can muddle through it given enough time, but damn me it’s frustrating to feel this way. Thoughts surrounded by a thick woolen cover, my actions slowed, my ability to even speak in complete sentences is affected by the aftermath of a migraine.

Why am I writing this? Well it’s taken me all morning to get even this far. I just feel the need to document what’s going on so I can refer to it later.

 

  

Mindfullness

I was talking with my slave this morning while driving to work and during our talk she wanted to know if she pleased me. With out thinking I responded that she did, but she challenged me by saying “I just wanna know that when you say I make you happy that I have or how I have”. I stopped and considered her words and realized I have not been doing that. Because we are in a long distance relationship we don’t have the subtle body clues and nuances which can communicate so much with out actually saying something. What we have are words. Words are paramount in a LDR. I realized that I had not been mindful of my words to her.

Jas pleases me so much, not just in her actions, but in how she carries herself, how she treats me, how she thinks. Her entirety pleases me yet hearing her words pointed out the need for a more mindful approach in expressing my pleasure in what she does for me.

Mindfullness:

The Buddha advocated that one should establish mindfulness (satipaṭṭhāna) in one’s day-to-day life maintaining as much as possible a calm awareness of one’s body, feelings, mind, and dhammas. The practice of mindfulness supports analysis resulting in the arising of wisdom .A key innovative teaching of the Buddha was that meditative stabilisation must be combined with liberating discernment. (link)

The Buddha’s words tell me that I need to be always aware of the forces around aed tnd within me. That awareness also applies to how I communicate with others. I need to be mindful of the things I say.

While Jas knows she makes me very happy, I as her Owner I also need to be aware of her desire to know that she pleased me and by being general in my response I cheapen our power exchange and frustrate her.

Some may think, “Dude, she’s your slave. Her thoughts and feelings shouldn’t matter. Just use her as you want and fuck the rest”, but I disagree. I feel that attitude represents something other than a TPE relationship. All relationships regardless of how they are defined need work, need communication and in order for Jas to benefit from training.

I am mindful of my words and actions. I am aware of how they effect those around me. Words are what I have to give and to be careless in how I use them is wrong. I maintain a state of mindfulness going forward and carefully consider my words.

Of Beastly Dreams and Vivid Scenes

Beast.

 

Beast

I’ve lived with him my whole life, though it took a dear friend to help me identify what that dark and primal part of me really was. For years this part of me made me feel like I was a freak. That I was alone, no one would understand those desires which I kept buried. Even at a very young age I had thoughts of bondage, of doing things to girls, of special rituals with my mate. I knew those thoughts were not something to talk openly about, I knew I would be looked at strangely. Keeping those thoughts and desire locked down made it hard for me to make friends, to talk with girls. I think I also over compensated to the other extreme, by suppressing the primal darkness I became too nice. I let others take advantage of me as a child and as an adolescent.   It was not until I got into college I began to realize that other people had similar desires yet even then I was scared to go too far.

So what is Beast really? He is sex, he is power, he is hunger, he is strength, he is restless, he is my creativity, my passion, he is all that is hedonistic within me.