Limits: Soft and Hard

Selina’s posting on limits the other day got me thinking about mine. As I commented on her posts my limits change depending on how safe feel with the person I am interacting with. Limits are a negotiation between you and the other person. While yes you can list out various limits and have set hard limits, in my experience even those are flexible.

I’ve been involved with D/s since my early 20s, and I am on the near side of 50 now, I’ve had online D/s relationships, meatspace D/s relationships, I’ve realized that limits, even hard ones, are not set in stone. They evolve, change, or fade depending on the one you are with, or with the passage of time and the knowledge of experience.

It boils down to trust, how much do I trust you? How much do you trust me? I’ve always said my ideal D/s relationship is one where each of us knows we are safe with the other, safe to bring any idea, no matter how light or dark, free from judgement, free from fear, knowing that other will listen with an open and accepting mind.

On the subject of trust: Years ago when I was on Second Life, I had a sub that I thought was the ‘one’, she was smart, funny, sassy. We clicked rather well, as we got to know each other we discovered our kinks matched up quite well. Yet in the end, she wasn’t honest with me and what she needed for her limits. I would take her to some dark places, do things which would turn her into a pile of girl goo, yet for hours afterwards she would go through cycles of self-loathing and doubt, and this was after extensive aftercare, which Sel can attest I do very well. After a few times where this happened I would stopped taking her to the dark places, yet she complained, claimed she needed my darkness, needed me to be that for her. Now remember this was on Second Life, an online environment where you can do just about anything in complete safety. You can explore just about anything you want too. In time we ended our relationship because I couldn’t trust her to safeword. Trust is key.

When Selina and I were together I found her a lot more responsible, while she’s never safe worded me, she did ‘yellow light’ during a scene letting me know she was uncomfortable with what was happening, but willing to continue because she felt something was there we needed to explore. As a Dom this feedback is so important, It establishes the trust, the bond, the respect needed to make something like this work well.