Sometimes it just seems pointless. At least that is what my depression is telling me. Stuck in a hole not seeing a way out, forcing myself to write in hopes of finding a light.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had this bad of a down cycle, as bad of a down cycle as post divorce was. I know it’s all chemical, I know it, but fuck me it’s bad. I keep waiting for the new meds to kick in but it’s not happening. I have to wait until Friday for a dr follow up. He wanted at least a week of me on the adjusted meds before he makes any more changes.
I can make it through work and get my stuff done, but they’ve noticed I am not nearly as engaged as I was prior to this down swing. I miss Jas, but.. fuck I don’t know.. I just can’t seem to function or think in any other but a minimal head space.
Another thing about the day after a migraine. I am always somewhat emotionally raw. It just adds another level of frustration to the day after….
Yesterday was a bad day. Waking with what I call a seed headache I took some preventative meds hoped for the best and headed into work. Unfortunately by around noon time I knew it was going to be bad. The lights hurt and I knew if I waited any longer I’d not be able to drive myself home. By the time I reached home, sounds hurt, air moving over my skin hurt. I took my reboot pill and laid down in a dark quiet room. I didn’t know anything more until almost 7 that night, where I woke up to egg drop soup and fried rice. I was able to get the food down and drank more fluids then took another pill and went back to bed. I slept on through the night awaking this morning feeling somewhat better.
The really frustrating thing for me about my migraines isn’t the pain, or discomfort, it’s the stupidity I suffer through afterwards. My reaction times are slower, my mental capacity is impaired. I can muddle through it given enough time, but damn me it’s frustrating to feel this way. Thoughts surrounded by a thick woolen cover, my actions slowed, my ability to even speak in complete sentences is affected by the aftermath of a migraine.
Why am I writing this? Well it’s taken me all morning to get even this far. I just feel the need to document what’s going on so I can refer to it later.